Sunday, February 28, 2010


  • A man is sitting at a bar and see two lovely women across the room. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

    The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

    The man says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

    The bartender brings the drinks to the women and they acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. A little while later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

    The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

    The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

    The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

    The man says, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

    The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick vaginas."

    The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

    •[ personally i love this joke ] ::
    An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
    The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
    The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

    The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
    The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
    The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."

    The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
    Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
    The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."

    •A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

    Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

    "Well... yes."

    Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

    Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

    • A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

    The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

    The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

    • An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

    • Two Lipstick Lesbians are on a plane when the engines start to fail. One of them runs back to the lavatory and opens the door and asks her partner inside if she shaved today.

    She says, "Yes, why?"

    "Whew, that's good! The flight attendant told me to run back and get you cause we'll be going down in less than two minutes."

    • A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

    "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

    "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

    "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.


    "Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name "

    "Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

    "If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

    "Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

    Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail .
    Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

    Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

    Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

    * A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

    The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

    The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real! "

    * Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
    A: see you next month!
    ( it makes you think for a second and then the "ewww" usually comes next lol )

    * Two old lesbians were doing it on a park bench.
    One lesbian says to the other, "Take your glasses off, you're scratching my leg."
    The other one says,"Put your glasses back on, you're licking the bench!"

    * One night a son went to his father and said "Dad can I talk to you for a minute?"

    Father: Ok son, what's going on?
    Son: Dad, I'm gay.
    *The father is shocked, but takes a deep breath and says*
    Father: It's ok son, I love you no matter what.
    *Son hugs his father, relieved*
    Son: Thank you Dad!

    Later that night the father's second son comes to him.

    Son2: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
    Father: ...Ok son, what's going on?
    Son2: Dad, I'm gay.
    Father: What? Both of you?! I can't believe it! Doesn't ANYBODY in this house sleep with women anymore?!!
    His daughter walks by... Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?... xD